Non-Fiction Essay # 3 - Satirical piece titled "Self-Help Generation" by Phil DeAngelis

Self-Help Generation
“Dear Stephen R. Covey,
I don’t really have the time to read “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” or “7 Habits of a Highly Effective Marriage”. Can I skip right to the Official “7 Habits” FranklinCovey 35$, 2009 wire-bound, fine leather agenda?
Habitually yours,
Naïve Steve”

If it wasn’t for Stephan Covey and his 7 Habits, it is highly possible that I would be only mildly effective. Or maybe I would have a plan to pay off my loans before I reach thirty and start a happy family. When we look to Self- Help books for new lives, we are undermining our own individual character. The authors of these guides to happiness do not understand our personal system of morals or how we plan to live out our aspirations. The irony here is that we are being taught by others to change how we live while loosing any inclination to actually help ourselves. Writing a Self-Help publication is as easy as writing “7 Effective Rules of An Untimely Death”:

1. Run for Office. Whether it’s campaigning for senate or pledging to be treasurer of Lakeview HappyTree Junior High, getting into politics will wear your out quicker than a 5 mile sprint.
2. Door to door sales. It’s all about increasing the probability of bodily harm from a fellow human being.
3. Be superior. If you start out better than everyone around you, it won’t take long to start asking yourself, “If I’m superior than what is the point of living?”
4. Smoke those cigarettes folks! This one simple habit puts you half way to your grave without doing a single other thing!
5. Put down that banana. Like I said, probability. If you neglect fruit from here on out, you’re bound to end up with Scurvy.
6. Become Diabetic. Let’s face it: no one likes to eat sugar-free cookies, and again, the odds of sugar consumption in today’s diets are against you.

And finally, the most important rule of all:

7. Start young.

If these self-help books really work than who the hell is still buying them? Haven’t all the people who ever wanted to buy one found one they’ve liked yet? Haven’t all the people already been helped by the waiter at the “Woe is Me” café? And how come I don’t see any highly effective, un-begrudged, happily married, completely optimistic, freethinking, millionaire clones gardening petunias in every neighborhood?
Here’s some self-help for you: don’t live a life owned and operated under new management. In other words, don’t pay someone to clean your house no matter how much wealth you have acquired. Organize and maintain your own affairs. Take three hours on a Saturday to mow your lawn, pull your weeds and scrape the dead leaves from rooftop gutters. Without daily tasks and physical labor, one looses the motivation to improve ones own state of being. This is especially true today, when paying for help is the commonly accepted standard of success.
The concept of helping yourself (with the exception of buffet lines) has been slowly deteriorating for generations. My generation has almost lost the notion completely. Rather than cultivating the long-evolved ingenuity of our elders, we look to a hardcover version of Dr. Phil McGraw for enlightenment. A 400-some page book on “Getting Real” is about as useful as Sean Patrick Flannery giving open heart surgery. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Self-Help generation where everyone is making the same call and we’re all on hold.